If only I .......................................

Every Friday Subuh Prayer, most Imam in the mosque leading the prayer will recite the Koraanic verse, Surah Sajda. In verse 12, it is translated as, "If only thou couldst see, When the guilty ones, Will bend low their heads, Before their Lord (saying:), "Our Lord! We have seen, And we have heard: Now then send us back (To the world): we will Work righteousness: for we Do indeed (now) believe." - Koraan translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali 1996.

And years ago I went to see Mount Kinabalu, my family and I stayed at a hotel in Kundangsang. From the hotel windows we could see looming right across the mighty and large Mount Kinabalu.

And recent I saw a photo of Venus flying across the flaming Sun, Venus then was between the Sun and the Earth. Venus was just a big black dot across the surface of the Sun.

When I deliberate over these, I can feel how small I am. I am not even a speck of dust in Allah's expanding universe. Then only do I keep saying, "If only...................." There are many times that I can say "If only I........................................" to myself. There is tinge of regret. And that regret translate into the time of my life. I have a very big regret.

One great regret in my life is in not being able to read, understand and interpret the Koraan well. Thus I am not able to lead or be an Imam in a Muslim prayer. I regret that very much but there is nothing very that I can do now. I have taken my life in a different direction, though I am trying to go that Islamic way but it is like going up a mountain task.

I first realised the importance of the Islamic religion when I saw my grandparents praying together, but my grandfather died early so I had no chance to interact with him in that direction. In fact he was the Koraan teacher to one of his nephews and a grandnephew and they used to live with us. When my grandfather died I had no proper guidance until a stranger came into our lives. He was a migrant from another kampong and he could recite the Koraan well. He taught me how to do the Muslim prayer but I never learnt the Koraan from him. Instead my brother and I learnt how to read the Koraan from an uncle.

And when I entered the Malay school at an early age there was no proper religious or Koraan teacher until I was about to leave the Malay school a few years later, there came a local lad from the neighbouring kampong who was recruited by the Government as the Koraan teacher to teach Koraan and Islamic religion at our Malay school. His classes were in the afternoon, so we had to return to school in the afternoon just to attend the Koraan and the religious classes.

And soon I left the Malay school to further my schooling else where. I did not see that Ustaz (the Koraan and the Islamic religion teacher as they are normally called) for a long long time until I was serving in Kuantan in late 70s; and I lost touch with him again until early 2002 when once again I met him in Kuantan. He is already retired When I am in Kuantan now I regularly go to his religious classes at the nearby mosque.

At the town school where I attended after being out of the Malay school, we had a proper Islamic religious teacher, who taught us the Koraan and the various Islamic subjects such as Fiqh. Tauhid, Tassauf. There were regular Islamic lessons and Koraan reading lessons and we were also taught Tajuid or how to read the Koraan properly. But even then I did not take very serious views of those religious teachings as I was in my teens then and religion was too far from my mind. Except of course I observed that a lot of boys from Johore, Kelantan and Trengganu were very well versed with the Islamic religion. They sometimes led the prayers. They could also read or recite verses from the Koraan well. For me I could not really bother.

Worse still when I was sent to UK for further studies. By normal Islamic standard I was a sinner when I was in UK. I did everything that was forbidden and I suppose I enjoyed it. Not that I am proud of what I have done when I think about it now but in those days in that environment it was the most natural thing to do. My flatmate was from Kelantan and he was very religious, I suppose he must have prayed 5 times a day everyday, but he also had his own failings and must have committed some grave sins. I cannot say much about it, he led his life and I mine.

Coming back from UK to KL was no better. I was not really conscious of religion then as it was then a very free society in Malaysia. But soon things changed, people were more conscious of religion and youth were joining the Al-Arqam group in hordes. Girls began to cover up and men began to wear green and put on turbans. It was a time of change. I never join such groups but I had a taste of being involved with them, at religious ceremonies and at their houses; after all many of them were my friends and work colleague. And one of my half-sisters and her husband joined the Al-Arqam group and became very serious in that group. In fact their children were strangers to me when they were in that group.

As I got older, I then realised how important the Islamic religion was to me. When I was serving in Kuantan in late 70s, I was involved in the office Islamic activities, and being the Manager then I had to be involved deeply. I found that the staff were more friendly and very approachable when I became more involved in religion with them, even the non-Muslims. On being transferred out to Alor Setar I found that the people over there were more religious than in Kuantan and I was the most ignorant among the learned, they were the not so learned but I was further down the line in that unlearned class. I still did not get myself involved in any serious Islamic religious activities as such even though I found that when I first arrived in Alor Setar I could not even read the Koraan properly. But then the people in Alor Setar were very nice to me even though I was a religious ignorant by their standard.

And when I returned to KL I realised then I needed to seriously look into my Islamic religious needs. I went to the nearby mosque more often and I tried to read the Koraan more seriously. I remember some of the rules of reading the Koraan taught to me by my uncles and the various Ustaz before and I attempted to read according to the rules I learned. It was one of the hardest efforts in my life. I did not know how to get a teacher to teach me. Probably I was too ashamed to admit that my Koraan reading was nothing to be proud of.

My getting a job in Bintulu really opened my eyes to the Islamic religion. There the community was small and among my friends were people who were learned in the Islamic religion. Bintulu is not really a place to learn the Islamic religion as over there there were more Christians than Muslims. But the people I was surrounded by and the daily activities exposed me to the Islamic religion and that influenced me greatly. I found that my learning process was accelerated by the presence of Indonesian Islamic teachers who regularly give us talks on the Islamic religion at the place I worked and also at the local mosque. In fact there were religious VIP invited from West Malaysia every so often to give religious talks and that gave me more realisation and understandings of the Islamic religion and I moved closer towards it.

And then my wife and I went on a pilgrimage to Mecca. Here I saw the religion as it should be. And my mind was more clearer and I knew that I have found what I was looking for. We brought our children to Mecca for an Umrah the next year. In Mecca on my first visit, it was the first time in my life that I could read the Koraan in a peaceful surroundings. I learned the meaning of the verses earlier when I first arrived in Bintulu, and in Mecca I still cannot appreciate the meaning but I could feel the essence.

On coming back to KL in early 90s, I found myself living in an area where there are many mosques and suraus. It was a real pleasure to hear the people at these places reading the Koraan early in the morning and in the afternoon and early at night before the Maghrib prayer. And hearing the religious talks at various mosques, especially at the surau near my house. In fact there are now religious teachers coming regularly to teach the Islamic religion and one of the sessions we are taught properly the meaning of the verses in the Koraan. And I have managed to attend most of these talks. I also realise now that I am still at the bottom of the barrel as far as understanding of the Islamic religion and the Koraan and the Hadiths. But I now understand better than was years ago. Still I find that I cannot overcome my handicap, I cannot recite the verses from the Koraan well, neither can remember the short verses used mainly in prayers. What more of the long verses. Consequently I am still handicapped even at leading a short prayer. I tried but I am ashamed to admit that I am not competent.

Its a regret without end.

To shout back, e-mail: mylias@tm.net.my